Wednesday, September 12, 2007

What is it now, 9 or 10 months?

The blogging has suffered the past two days not because I have nothing to say, but because it has all been said to Mark, and really, that is where most of it belonged anyway. Although yesterday I had a ton of post ideas while I was at work and of course now I have either forgotten them or feel uninspired by them.

Over the last few weeks I've struggled with discontent about being here. I don't like Chicago. Every time I go home it just is so hard to come back to this place. We need to do this- Mark needs to finish law school here, I need to stay at the job where I have a reliable income and benefits we need while that happens. We have less than a year before we can make a change, and while knowing that a year from now we can be "home" can be just what I need to get through the day sometimes, it is also what makes me feel restless sometimes. I guess restlessness is better than hopelessness, so whatever, but I'll admit I feel sort of unsettled sometimes.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but this year I really miss the Wayne County Fair. I miss the 4-H stuff, I miss the displays of things people have done with their hands- the garments, the furniture, the art work, the cake. I miss the gigantic vegetables, the smell of hay and the general "barn" smell. I really want to show Mark all this stuff too.

We don't plan on moving to Wayne County, but I miss the proximity to it. These days even Toledo seems like it was really just a stone throw away. Anything that doesn't involve Chicago traffic to get home seems like a breeze though.

I know on some level that all my Chicagoland bashing is unfair. After all, I really enjoy the women in my knitting group and they are here (although many of them are not from here, hmmm) and there are some good people at work too. It is really the proportion of people out here who don't give a damn about anybody but themselves and anything but money/expensive material possessions, and having whatever they want the hell with you that bother me. Just drive out here for a week and you will see, they will run you over without athought. The lack of consideration just pains me sometimes. Last week Mark and I want to Friday's for dinner, and I was shocked because the girls leaving the restaurant actually held the door open for us as we walked out. Then I saw them get into the car with an Ohio license plate for county 48 (that would be Lucas, you know, where Toledo is).

It may just be because I didn't grow up here so I see the contrast between this and what I am used to so sharply. I don't suffer from idealizing "home" either, trust me, I read my hometown newspaper enough that I never forget what drives me crazy there too. (i.e. If you want the most convoluted and factually inaccurate idea of American history and politics, look no further than Mr. Kratzer's Letters to the Editor. He isn't the only one, I'm just picking on him today I guess because he had another letter this morning that left me shaking my head.)

So today I will leave you with some lyrics that stuck out to me as I typed this entry:
I don't want what you want
I don't feel what you feel
See I'm stuck in a city
But I belong in a field

- The Strokes - "Heart in a Cage" from First Impressions of Earth

1 comment:

Nadia said...

Awww....I totally know how you feel. Espcecially when I first moved here from LA. Not that LA is any more sane that Chicago, but it was "home" and a place I finally got used to. I still miss my friends and family terribly...I'm not sure if that feeling ever goes away. I wish you well...sigh...home...